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10:53 A.M. - Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005
Dear Diary,
No matter how I try I still hate life and I still hate myself. I still don't want to be here.
I wonder if it would be too selfish to take a child with me.
I have not been feeling very well lately and I guess it crushes my spirits. No it wiped it away.
Last time I said the show muct go on...must it?
This morning I fell down the stairs got hot chocolate over me. I fell because I was too dizzy to walk. Its so depressing really. I just want to stay cocooned in bed where nothing can happen. I hate me.
Its my birthday too. Not enjoying it at all beacuse I am another year older and its just another way of reminding me that I haven't accomplished anything. School. relationships.and everything else under the sun. I want to escape but there is nowhere to turn to. I can't run life is still there.
To top it off I had a very disturbing dream. It scared me because it may soon be reality if not already.
It takes alot of will typing anythin on here while partially laying on the couch. Any typos on here I guess proves the fact.
I am a little pissed too cuz Dia doesn't understand that I am not well. I am all so sick of this roundabout of doctors and not getting anything done. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of being here. He doesn't understand that he says "if u care enough you will keep your appointment". If I didn't care this would all be gone with one sweep of a human sucking vacuum. If I didn't care I would already be buried. If I didn't care I would drink right this very moment. Just to drown it all out. But I guess not doing any of these makes me UNFIT doesn't it?
So fucking sorry I don't fit anyone's standards, so VERY sorry I loved anyone in this life. So damn sorry about that cuz if I didn't I wouldn't be here. I am especially sorry that I screwed up someone else's life and they hate me for it, sorry God I guess I am not fit to be HUMAN. I am not much of an example of your goodness. Why won't he just take me out?
I can't do this anymore.
