::then there was him
1:30 A.M. - Sunday, Mar. 12, 2006
Had my baby February 15th 2006. He is asleep right now.
The most precious and wonderful thing ever to happen to me...him. I love. I have never loved ANYONE the way I do now. I swear to you that scared me. Things I have never thought of, ways I have never felt, things I have never done. Its all happening because of him.
The pregnancy has left me an emotional mine. Confused and out of sorts, only aware of his needs and my sincere and laden devotions to him.
His father, I am still trying to get used to. You know...the no 'us'. I am over him in so many ways, but then he is here too often because of our son who looks just like him. Sad fact.
He came here last night looking for his phone. Ignoring us. Looking for a damn phone. So anxious to leave so he can go out to 'dinner', and maybe the club after. And have a life basically, while I struggle to have one, warming bottles at three in the morning while he gyrates. I want to light something up and take a drag. But I decided nine months ago that I quit for me and for my new love--of my life.
I will admit at first it bothered me none, but when he showed his face here. Clean and quite prepared for a night out. I felt loneliness. It hit like my last car crash. Hard. Then it hurt. Regardless of who accompanied him. I felt replaced and disregarded, perhaps a little like trash. A newborn, post partum, and him.
