::A Dreamless sleep is Death
9:29 P.M. - Tuesday, Nov. 01, 2005
I have so much to say. But it would be a sin to express anything now. I will only be talking shit. So much shit that after a day when I come back to read it I would be unable to comprehend.
All I have to say is; I gotta find a place soon.
Um, the step-parental unit called my work today to say call her back its urgent. Now I spent the entire day weighing the possibilities. Why does that woman want to talk to me. I thought maybe something is wrong with the male parental unit...if not maybe the step-parental unit just wants to flap her lips. You know, as always.
Hmmm, so after much thought we spoke. Turns out that my father is in the hospital sick as a damn dog. Now, normal people would be sick with fear. But for reasons we all know I don't feelmlike I care. I feel like saying GO DIE, I don't care. But is that how I really feel or am I being rebellious? Good God I don't know. But I really don't want to feel compassion. I just feel extreme hate.
Now maybe I will talk about what is really really bothering me. Mother, the female unit who bore me to the earth accused me of stealing $450.00. Um, I don't know...I am a liar liar liar, and now a thief. To make it worse I feed my nasty habit by taking money from my mother's account, her purse wherever my greedy hands will reach. DAMN. Have I not been through enough? I guess not huh? I have not been through enough. I need to be accused of theft.
See the woman gave me a check of $450.00 to deposit into my sister's acct. That check I lost or 'misplaced'. So being the efficient person I am I withdrew that amount from my account, and deposited it into that of my sister's. Then being the holistic person that I am I called mother and let her know. She said bring the check (which I told her I lost)and she will write me another one to my name. THE BLOODY CHECK IS LOST. So I look high and low in the bloody car. Tore it upside down and just messed the hell out of it. still no check. I checked the bedroom, my bags EVERY damn place I ever step foot since she wrote me the check. To no avail. So I went to her workplace empty handed, she gives me a new check. I deposit that into my account. All is well and good. After work, she asks me for the check AGAIN. I told her I still couldn't find it. You know what that fucking bitch said to me? Oh the fucking nerve of her black ass. She said that I cashed both checks and kept the money to myself. So of course I figured something was wrong with my ears, and stuck my pinky in there and gave my ear a good wag. Then asked her to repeat what she said. " You did not lose that check, you cashed it, and asked me for another one so you can get an extra $450.00 for yourself". When did I ever steal from my mother? Why did I only start now. At that point the blood was rushing through my ears so damn quickly I couldn't think straight. I thought the bitch was crazy or perhaps, hopefully INSANE. Nope, she looked alright, albeit furious. I wanted to start my car and run her over. No i wanted to cry my eyes out. And that was just what I did. I felt so sad. Why was she saying this? Why does she hate me so much.
Maybe I am this evil being and no one will ever like me. Maybe I just need to be alone.
This depression and stress couldn't be good. I don't want to feel suicidal AGAIN. Everytime I get angry or sad, I pray to God to keep me alive. Cuz I am afraid I will do anything.
I feel so alone, all the time. And the only reason why I feel this way is because I am alone.
I want a dreamless sleep tonight--wait a minute! Isn't a dreamless sleep death?
By the way, I am thinking of daddy at this very moment. I don't want to. I just keep thinking about that time I came from this exhilarating date, and came home so ecstatically happy. But to find daddy on the couch ready to pass out from pain...he couldn't speak and his eyes were glazed. I thought he was dying. I was so scared. I was always so worried about him after that. I don't want to think about this, it makes me so much more depressed. I can't take the thought of him in hospital again.
why does God give me more than I can bear?
God, please take this pain away. Take my depression away. I need to be better. Why am I always this way? Do I need help?
